Just got back from some partially upscale Italian restaurant

"Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo" (thetomselleck) 04/23/2017 at 23:42 • Filed to: foodlopnik

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Here are my observations [WARNING: lots of sass]:

Every food item is euphemized. For example, my shrimp scampi was not called shrimp scampi. It was called Scampi Qiouahahahaluliilla or some such thing. I had to read it a few times to make sure it was what I was looking for: shrimp scampi.

Half of the words in the descriptions were spent emphasizing that individual ingredients were local, from such and such, organic, whatever. This is not unique to this restaurant, especially in the PNW, for the record. The steaks weren’t just steaks they were “authentic Yakima-cut” something-rather. Having been to Yakima many times, I have no idea why anyone would read that and feel good about their purchase.

All steaks had some kind of frou-frou topper. Not like that thick fat sauce and some fried shrimp, like at the Keg or something. Or bits of lobster. One was cranberry something (even though it wasn’t a flank steak), another was an olive oil mixed with some greens on a rib eye. This is more of a general complaint against trying to hide an improperly cooked steak with goofy toppings. A good steak is good by itself.

My dish was about as bad as Olive Garden’s, at double the cost. Overcooked pasta, about a 1/4" pool of olive oil in the bottom, cherry tomatoes (why?) instead of tomato-tomatoes. And for some reason it had chopped bacon in it... Who puts bacon in their scampi dishes? Is that authentic Italian at all? Anyway, my dish tasted like a gigantic, gelatinous salt lick. Also the portion was waaaaaay small... And there was no garlic. How is there no garlic in a shrimp scampi dish. How, I ask thee.

The place was too good to serve ice cream for desert. They served gelato (which FINE it’s Italian) which is nothing more than an inferior ice cream. I need that extra butter fat. After all, this is the same place that put bacon in my scampi, so I don’t see why bother in serving gelato.

Service was excellent and timely, but the atmosphere was in turmoil. Part of the restaurant is an area you can reserve for events, so while we were trying to have a nice meal, there was a cover band on the other side of the wall playing Hey Jude, Feliz Navidad (in April?!?!), and California Dreaming. People from that party kept passing in and out and leaving the door open, and no one in the restaurant area could hear each other speak. People at adjacent tables had to keep getting up from their meals and closing the door themselves. Kind of absurd.

Thanks for reading.

BlueMazda2 - Blesses the rains down in Africa, Purveyor of BMW Individual Arctic Metallic, Merci Twingo > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 04/23/2017 at 23:49

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“another was an olive oil mixed with some greens on a rib eye”

Question: do you mean greens as in lettuce/spinach or do you mean some unidentified greens mixed with olive oil?

Chimichurri came to mind immediately.

Sorry for my confusion.

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 04/23/2017 at 23:50

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I had carbonara with chicken at our local cheap Italian restaurant. It was the bomb diggity.

DC3 LS, will be perpetually replacing cars until the end of time > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 04/23/2017 at 23:51

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Why didn’t you just order the HOT BROWN!!!

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > BlueMazda2 - Blesses the rains down in Africa, Purveyor of BMW Individual Arctic Metallic, Merci Twingo 04/23/2017 at 23:52

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Chimichurri was served along with something called a coulotte steak, which apparently is a fancy way of saying top sirloin

unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 04/23/2017 at 23:54

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there was a cover band on the other side of the wall playing Hey Jude, Feliz Navidad (in April?!?!), and California Dreaming.

thank you for the laugh.

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 04/23/2017 at 23:55

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“authentic Yakima-cut”

I think “cut” refers to “cutting”, as in drugs. They’re trying to tell you their steaks are plumped up by authentic Yakima drugs/dealers.

There’s also an important difference between ice cream and gelato: Gelato has more flavoring per volume than ice cream by a good margin. You shouldn’t need as much of it to enjoy it, in theory.

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > DC3 LS, will be perpetually replacing cars until the end of time 04/23/2017 at 23:55

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Because he’s not in hell.

DipodomysDeserti > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 04/23/2017 at 23:56

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There’s an Army chemical weapons facility in Yakima. Probably the last place you want to buy beef from.

If I ever walked into a resturaunt with a band playing I’d immediately leave.

Gelato is better than ice cream unless you’re eating crap gelato.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > DipodomysDeserti 04/23/2017 at 23:58

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1) Sad!

2) Good take

3) Well 2 out of 3 ain’t bad

The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 04/23/2017 at 23:59

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Where I work out ribs are not smoked. It says on the menu they are smoked carefully for 6 hours with care & attention.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock 04/24/2017 at 00:01

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Apparently smoking is a big PITA for many restaurants

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock 04/24/2017 at 00:01

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[kinja]

smobgirl > Highlander-Datsuns are Forever 04/24/2017 at 00:03

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I had it at Fazolis. Not too shabby.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Eric @ opposite-lock.com 04/24/2017 at 00:04

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Yeah, I was also gonna say that my gelato was way overpowering in flavor... Like a little too much.

The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 04/24/2017 at 00:05

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It is a PITA, & that’s all I do. Where I work that’s what we do, smoked food. We made smoked apple ice cream last week, it was amazing. We only made it because there was left over filling from the smoked apple crisp we make. If it can be cooked in an oven it can be cooked in a smoker. Our soup this week is smoked French onion soup.

12and35 > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 04/24/2017 at 00:08

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I work at a high end restaurant and the rediculous shit they title their dishes are absolutely insane..... I just smile to people... Thank God I’m not a server because I’d just be like “It’s a fucking steak with french fries, there!”

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 04/24/2017 at 00:11

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That’s a hallmark of real gelato. A lot of places around here market gelato, but the flavoring is lacking. The mass produced stuff in the grocery store freezer section is stronger than ice cream, but far from legitimate gelato status. If you’re going to sell me small overpriced scoops, they’d better blow my mind with flavor.

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock 04/24/2017 at 00:14

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I love smoked stuff. There’s a place I like to go to that smokes a bunch of meats the right way and they’re ridiculously good. Best bacon ever...

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > DipodomysDeserti 04/24/2017 at 00:15

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I have to agree that good gelato is better than ice cream. The problem is finding good gelato.

The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock > Eric @ opposite-lock.com 04/24/2017 at 00:18

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We smoke 3 kinds of bacon. Regular slab bacon, Wild Boar Bacon, & Back Bacon. There are some smoked items that I can’t stand. One is Smoked Banana ice cream. It sounds great, but to me it does not taste right. Where I work we are in the top 10 BBQ restaurants in Ontario, only being open for 4.5 years thats not too bad.

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 04/24/2017 at 00:20

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If you ever want good chicken carbonara, I’ll give you my recipe. It’s roast chicken (done right), oven-fried (quality) bacon, oven-roasted/sautéed mushrooms, a bottle of Bertolli Alfredo sauce, and any decent pasta (I prefer rotini). Cheap and delicious. I can rarely justify going out for Italian food these days unless it’s for something I can’t readily replicate on my own, like real neopolitan pizza (you need a wood-fired brick oven).

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Eric @ opposite-lock.com 04/24/2017 at 00:23

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I have the weirdest boner right now

MonkeePuzzle > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 04/24/2017 at 00:24

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i do despise spending more money for a higher class meal and its just crap.

i recall once paying about $1 a strip for 4 strips of variously candied bacons for an appetiser. small servongs, and fancy goo is not enough to warrant.upping your prices.

as you say, the worst of all is adding flavours to that which less is always more. steak with toppings might as well be a beaten flat chicken fried steak, its not like youll taste the meat.

i’m outraged right with you. I’ve had some EXCELLENT nights out well worth the pain when the cheque came, but I’d say the majoroty of the time I’ve gone upmarket I’ve left wishing I’d just gone to a chain for a reliable middle priced meal.

Textured Soy Protein > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 04/24/2017 at 00:32

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Did you check the reviews first? Usually I have good luck picking restaurants off yelp reviews. They’re not the gospel and you have to weed through some idiots but generally you can get a feel for a place.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Textured Soy Protein 04/24/2017 at 00:35

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‘Twas not my choice, it was someone’s birthday.

Audistein > Eric @ opposite-lock.com 04/24/2017 at 02:54

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That sounds like a totally delicious recipe for an Rotini Alfredo with chicken and bacon, but it is in no way is a carbonara. Alfredo and carbonara are two completely different sauces: totally different ingredients and very different cooking method for carbonara.

Tristan > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 04/24/2017 at 02:58

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I’d love to see the margins for an Italian restaurant... I can go to Safeway and get enough spaghetti, sauce and garlic bread to feed 6 people for $4... Spaghetti for one at Nicolletta’s? $18. The Mrs. and I went there yesterday... I had chicken parm, she had a salad. Portions were small, we drank water and had no appetizers. After tip: fiddy bucks.

UserNotFound > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 04/24/2017 at 06:25

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No garlic!?

Burn those fookers.

nafsucof > Eric @ opposite-lock.com 04/24/2017 at 07:19

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Carbonara is pancetta, peas, soft onions, Parmesan cheese, and fresh egg with a broth to make the egg yolk sauce. It cannot come from a bottle, doesn’t come with chicken and is easy to ruin. The eggs in the sauce should break 10-15 after preparing dish fresh.

Your dish sounds good, just not a carbonara.

nafsucof > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 04/24/2017 at 07:26

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Fine dining does not make good dining unfortunately. My restaurant is great. We’re Italian American, we’ve been open for 22 years and busy every night. Our dishs have tradional names moms carbonara, grandmas ravioli, cab(certified angus beef) ny strip, fennel crusted tuna. Sucks that place is a poseur restaurant and playing to be a real deal. Our kitchen is open and our chef is James beard nominated...should have come to Bricco in my town...I can’t eat most things I’m so spoiled...we make everything from scratch...we have places right down the street that serve plain crap and stay open...I don’t get it

Vicente Esteve > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 04/24/2017 at 07:45

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Cherry Tomatoes?? Christ.

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > Audistein 04/24/2017 at 08:20

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They are, but if you order “carbonara” anything in the US, it will be pasta with Alfredo sauce and bacon (and in every case I’ve seen, chicken). It’s a modern dish, regardless of how it’s made, so I don’t stress it as much as stuff that has some history. I know the Italian version uses eggs and would be topped/mixed with a different meat.

It does taste good, though.

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > nafsucof 04/24/2017 at 08:46

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I think of Italian in the US a lot like most ethnic foods - it’ll be some kind of bastardized version, at best. Have you seen what we call “pizza”, “tacos”, “bagels”, the train wreck that is “Chinese food”, our ridiculous “sushi rolls”, “scones”, “pierogis”, etc? About the only fairly authentic things you can find in the US without considerable effort are Indian (but they still all sell chicken tikka masala), Vietnamese (bahn mi and pho; otherwise, good luck), and Thai (sometimes, major cities)... It’s a lot easier to embrace your situation than fight it here, plus I’m hopeless with eggs (and I don’t even like them), to the point I don’t even stock the damned things.

nafsucof > Eric @ opposite-lock.com 04/24/2017 at 13:41

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While i agree for most of the country, the original areas of migration still have strong presence of authentic food. Here in Ct for example my family came from Sicily and founded several towns. Our area has excellent food because we are close to our ancestors that came before us. There is a large population of polish speaking people in my area as well and I must say as ski’ myself, the small mom and pop places around here nail my dads families recipes. I can’t speak to other areas and cultures but there are pockets scattered that don’t bastardize...

I’m also a restaurant professional whose is very picky about what I eat, that being said my restaurant has a James beard nominated chef and our pizza oven is 1150°. Our pizza is excellent.

My lunch as we speak...:)